Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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