I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Are we still banned from the library?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
