so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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