I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
