I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
