I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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