he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
