I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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