Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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