just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
