Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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