Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Randomize
