Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Randomize
