Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
