Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Randomize
