Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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