I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
