dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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