He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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