OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
