I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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