it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
