I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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