WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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