Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
