i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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