you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
