He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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