I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
