I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize