Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
