My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
