someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
