I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Randomize
