Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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