I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
