I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
