Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
