I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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