Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
