i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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