I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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