dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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