I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
