do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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