Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
The air taste purple.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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