I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
She bit a glass in half.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I would fuck him just for his dog
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
