Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The Olympian is in my bed
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
