the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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