If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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