omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
