Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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