Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
