i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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