Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
