Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
