you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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