Who wears a wallet chain?!
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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