Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Plan B is the new Plan A
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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