i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize