You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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